Honestly I never thought I would write this post because it’s so out of my comfort zone and I have always made sure my blog, social media, Youtube, is a place where you can go to laugh or get some kind of positivity. But I also always promise that I will be honest with you guys and share every different aspect of my life, which means its not always happy, peppy, me. I never want you guys or anyone who reads my blog or follows me on some type of social media to think that I have it together 24/7, because that is SO far from the truth. Ya girl struggles just like anyone and I have definitely had my struggles with anxiety which I want to share with you guys.
The first time I can ever really remember feeling anxious more than normal was when I was 8 and my mom found out she had breast cancer. I remember when she told me and my brother, I just thought it automatically meant she was going to die. Obviously that wasn’t the case lol because she caught it early enough and was able to kick its a$$! That being said it was honestly a really difficult time, seeing your mom SO sick at a young age is definitely somewhat traumatic and I grew up a lot that year. From then on I remember always being scared that my mom was going to get sick again and for the first few years after she was in remission anytime she wouldn’t feel great I was so scared she was getting sick again. Every time she went for check ups I had SERIOUS anxiety for her because I was just really worried something was going be found. That has worn off a little as the years have gone on but honestly I’d be lying if I said I don’t still get a little anxious when she has weird aches and pains or when she goes in for her yearly check ups. I don’t think I will ever fully get over that nagging anxiety for her. It has also led to me having serious anxiety that I am going to get cancer, I think seeing her so sick scared me for her but also made me not want to ever have to experience something like that myself. It definitely doesn’t help that I have the breast cancer gene because it makes me more predisposed to developing breast, ovarian, and other cancers. There have been quite a few anxiety attacks over this but I am lucky to have great support and my mom to always talk me down. My doctors are also AMAZING and are checking me so vigilantly that even if I did ever develop it, it would be caught so early.
That anxiety was honestly nothing compared to the anxiety I had and have had since my best friend and grandpa died 3 years ago. That was seriously the hardest and most painful year of my entire life, there aren’t even enough words to describe how broken I was that year. My best friend died suddenly in a car crash 2 or 3 days before my grandpa passed away so they basically over lapped and I couldn’t even go to my best friends funeral because my grandpa died the day before. I remember when we went to the funeral home to make arrangements for him they still had things from my friends funeral there. Losing them both definitely hurt in different ways. My friends death really made realize how short life is and that you can literally be here making lunch plans one day and gone the next. It gave me a different type of anxiety, like just this fear that I could die as easily and it scared me. My grandpa’s hurt like losing a parent honestly. He was one of the MOST important people in my life, in fact I literally remember him from the time I can remember anything. I had such a close relationship with him that it was basically like he raised me along withy parents. I spent so much time with him( it wasn’t enough ) that when he was gone it was like this huge part of my life was missing. I’m not really sure why I got so much anxiety from him dying but it was SO bad after. I guess I had never really experienced anyone I loved and was close to dying before that, so it just made it real that eventually I was going to lose the people I love and before it happens you never really think it will. I didn’t sleep for months and would literally have anxiety/panic attacks weekly if not daily. This went on for almost a year and a half after they had both died really intensely. Slowly it has eased up but I definitely have more anxiety now that I just deal with on the daily. I also get more panic/anxiety attacks closer to the holidays because that was a special time with my grandpa and I start having less restful sleeps. It does ease up after they pass though. I don’t think I will ever be completely okay no matter how much time passes but I am learning how to be more okay and how to deal with it better.
I am really thankful to have such amazing friends and parents that have helped me through these hard times and are always there to calm me down during a bad panic or anxiety attack or listen to me cry when I miss my grandpa or friend. I don’t think I would have been able to cope or deal with it the small amount I was able to without them lol. I hope that by sharing this it maybe helps ONE of you guys feel less alone or at least like someone else understands because trust me I’ve been there. Anxiety is the worst.
As always if you guys have any comments or just want to talk my DMs and comments are yours!
I will talk to you in my next post,